****  The Holy Hand-Grenade
****  from Monty Python and the Holy Grail
****  Transcribed from left-over electical impulses in the brain cells of
****  Malcolm <Clarinet@Yalevmx> Dickinson
****  Finished up by Bret "Eat at Joe's" Shefter <Shebreb@Yalevmx>

                      ***  The Holy Hand Grenade  ***

 The knights rush into a cave, huffing and puffing, to take cover from the
vicious onslaught of the Killer Rabbit.

Arthur: RUN AWAY! RUN AWAY!!
Bedevere: Okay, how many did we lose?
Arthur: Well...Gawain...Ector...and Bors.  That's five.
Bedevere: Three, Sire!
Arthur: Three.  And we can't risk another try, that rabbit's dynamite!
All: Hmmmm..
Robin: Maybe if we attack it, it will get confused, and make a mistake!

(pause)

Arthur: Like what?
 (longer pause)
Robin: Ummmm....
Lancelot: Have we got birds?
Arthur: (quickly) No.
Galahad: (brightly) We *have* the Holy Hand Grenade, Sir!
Arthur:  Of course!  'Tis one of the sacred relics that Brother Maynard
         carries with him!  Brother Maynard!  Bring out the Holy Hand Grenade!
Monks: (Chant)
                    Die Jesu domine,
                    Dona eis requiem.
                    Die Jesu domine,
                    Dona eis requiem.

(Pause.  Arthur examines the hand grenade, turning it over in his hands.)
Arthur: How does it....How does it work?
High Priest: I know not, my leige.
Arthur: Consult the book of Armaments!
High Priest: Armaments Chapter One, verses nine through twenty-seven:
Brother Maynard: And Saint Attila raised the Holy Hand Grenade up on high
                 saying, "Oh Lord, Bless us this Holy Hand Grenade, and with it
                 smash our enemies to tiny bits."
                 And the Lord did grin, and the people did feast upon the
                 lambs, and stoats, and orangutans, and breakfast cereals, and
                 lima bean-
High Priest:  Skip a bit, brother.
Brother Maynard: And then the Lord spake, saying:
                 "First, shalt thou take out the holy pin.
                 Then shalt thou count to three.
                 No more, no less.
                 *Three* shall be the number of the counting, and the number
                 of the counting shall be three.
                 *Four* shalt thou not count, and neither count thou two,
                 excepting that thou then goest on to three.
                 Five is RIGHT OUT.  Once the number three, being the third
                 number be reached, then lobbest thou thy Holy Hand Grenade
                 to-wards thy foe, who, being naughty in my sight, shall snuff
                 it.  Amen.
All: Amen.
Arthur: Right!  (pulls pin)
        One!
        Two!
        Five!
Bedevere: Three, Sire!!
Arthur: Three!  (throws hand grenade at the Killer Rabbit)

(holy music)

KABOOM.