*** The Tale of Sir Launcelot *** *** From Monty Python and the Holy Grail *** *** Laboriously plagiarized by Bret "zzzz...." Shefter *** *** on the tenth day of April in the year of our Bret 1986 THE TALE OF SIR LAUNCELOT Setting: A small garret room in the Tall Tower of Swamp Castle. King: (gesturing expansively out the window) Some day, lad, all this will be yours. Son: What, the curtains? King: No, not the curtains, lad! The land! All that land. As far as the eye can see. That'll be yours. Son: But, Mother... King: Father, lad. Son: But, Father, I don't want any land. King: Look, Alice... Son: 'Erbert. King: 'Erbert. When I first came here, all this was nothin' but swamp. All other kings said I was daft to build a castle in a swamp, but I built one anyway, just to show 'em. It sank into the swamp. SO, I built another one! That one sank into the swamp. So I built a *third* castle. The third one burned down, fell over, and *then* sank into the swamp, but the fourth one....stayed up. And that's what you've got, lad: a castle as strong as any in all of England. Son: But I don't want any of that! I'd much rather... King: Rather what? Son: I'd rather...just...sing... King: No! No! Stop that! None o' that! You're not goin' into a song while I'm here!! Now, look, lad, you've got to get spruced up. You're gettin' married to a girl who's father owns the biggest *tracts* of open land in England. Son: Bu' I don't like her! King: What's not to like?!? She's beautiful, she's *rich*, she's got 'UGE.... tracts of land... Son: Bu' I don't want land! King: Look, lad, we live in a bloody swamp!! We need all the land we can get! Son: Bu' I don't want any of that! I want the girl I marry to have a certain...*special*...something... King: Now, stop that! Stop it!! King: Now listen 'ere, you! You're marryin' Princess Lucky in 'alf an hour! So you'd better get used to the idea! GUARDS!!! King: I want you to stay here and make sure 'e doesn't leave until I come and get 'im. Guard 1: Until you come and get him, we're not to enter the room. Guard 2: *Hic* King: No, no...*leave* the room. Stay here and make sure 'e doesn't leave! Guard 1: Not to leave the room, even if you come and get him. King: No, no, *until* I come and get 'im! Guard 1: Oh, sure, I meant that. King: Are you sure you've got it now? Guard 1: Oh, no problem. King: Good. Where are *you* going? Guard 1: We're coming with you! Guard 2: *Hic* King: NO, NO!! You're supposed to stay here and make sure 'e doesn't leave! Guard 1: Oh, yes, of course! King: Do you understand?!? Guard 1: Certainly, certainly. He's not to enter the room... King: Leave the room, LEAVE the room! Guard 1: Right...leave the room, until you or *anyone else*... King: No, not anyone else, just me! Guard 1: Come and get him. King: Come and get him. Right. Guard 1: Ummmmmmmmm...... Guard 2: *Hic* King: What? What is it? Guard 1: Uh...just a minute, just a minute... King: No, look, it's all perfectly simple. You just stay here, and make sure 'e doesn't leave!!! Guard 1: Oh, yeah, yeah, we'll do that...but, umm... King: Look. Just stay here, all right? Guard 1: (brightly) Oh, I remember! Can he leave the room with us? King: NO!!! Look, just stay here and make sure 'e doesn't leave!!! Guard 1: Oh, sure, we'll keep him leavin' the room and all that. But, I mean, if he *had* to go, and we went with him... King: NO! Just stay here, and make sure *'e* doesn't leave!!!!! Guard 1: Who? The Prince? King: YES!!! Guard 1: (with sudden understanding) Oh! I thought you meant him! (indicating other guard) Guard 2: *Hic* Guard 1: Seemed a bit daft, me havin' to guard him, him bein' a guard and all! King: No, look, just stay here and make sure 'e doesn't leave! Guard 1: Until you come and get him. King: Until I come and get 'im. Right. Guard 2: *Hic* King: And get him a glass of water. (leaves) There is a pause. The Prince looks around sadly. Then he inhales. (music starts) King: (returning) AND NO SINGIN'!!!! (music dies away) The Prince looks at the guards. They look at him. He smiles. They smile back. He gets a pen a paper out. He smiles at them. They smile back. He scribbles something on it very fast, not looking at it. He smiles at the guards. They smile back. The Prince gets a bow and arrow from the wall. He sticks the note on the arrow. He smiles at the guards. They smile back. He side-steps to the window. He smiles at the guards. They smile back. He shoots the arrow with the note out the window. He puts down the bow. He smiles at the guards. They smile back. Guard 2: *Hic* Meanwhile, at a nearby stream, Sir Launcelot approaches. We hear horse's hooves in the distance. Sir Launcelot appears, behind Concorde, who is banging two coconut halves together to make the noise of a horse. Launcelot: Ho! Well taken, Concorde! Steady there, boy! Concorde: (his dying words) Message for you, sir. (he falls) Launcelot: Concorde!! (spying the arrow) A note! "To whomever finds this note. Help. I am being held prisoner by my father who wishes me to marry *against my will*!! Please please please please rescue me. I am in the Tall Tower of Swamp Castle." A quest! A damsel in distress! Oh, Concorde, noble Concorde, you shall not have died in vain! Concorde: I'm not quite dead yet, sir! Launcelot: (a bit put off) Well...you shall not have been...mortally wounded in vain! Concorde: I think I could pull through, sir. Launcelot: (a bit more put off) Concorde, maybe you'd better stay here and rest a bit, eh? Concorde: Oh, I think I could come with you, sir... Launcelot: No, no, Concorde, brave soul, you shall stay here, and I...I shall undertake a perilous quest to win freedom for a maiden and eternal fame for myself. Farewell, Concorde!! Scene: The drawbridge of Swamp Castle. Two guards standing here looking very bored. Off in the distance, they see Launcelot running towards them waving his sword in the air. They look at each other, then back at Launcelot. They seem confused. He does not get any closer, though he he keeps running. The guards look at each other again. One taps his forehead. They lean on their pikes and idly watch Sir Launcelot still running towards them and getting nowhere. They look at each other. Suddenly Launcelot appears right next to them and runs them both through. They die, considerably surprised. Launcelot runs through the castle, slicing, dicing, grating, mincing, and otherwise generally killing the entire populace. He fights his way up to the Tower through the throngs of bewildered wedding guests. He reached the Tower and throws open the door. Guard 1: Hello! Urggh. Guard 2: *Hic* Launcelot: Milady, here kneels the humble Sir Launcelot of Camelot, Knight of the Round Table, and I stand ready to deliver you from-- Oh, I'm terribly sorry. Son: You got my note! Launcelot: Well, I got *a* note...let's not jump to conclusions... Son: I *knew* some one would read it and rescue me! I've got a rope all ready! Let's climb down! King: What's all this!?! Are you the one who killed all my guests? Son: He's come to rescue me! King: Shut your noise, you. Well, what about it? Launcelot: Well, I suppose I may have got...a bit... carried away with the moment... King: Carried away?!? Look, whoever you are, you not only ruined my wedding reception, and caused me great mental anguish, but you killed the bride's father and kicked the bride in the chest! Now what sort of behavior is that??? Who are you, anyway? Launcelot: Well, I am Sir Launcelot of King Arthur's Court, and I-- King: King Arthur?? King-of-England Arthur? And you're one of his Knights of the Round Table? Son: I'm ready, Sir Launcelot! Launcelot: Well...yes...and I'm awfully sorry about the fuss... King: Fuss? Nonsense!! Why, Sir Launcelot, consider yourself my honored guest, please! (quietly) Lots of land up by Camelot, eh? Launcelot: Well, I'm terribly sorry about killing all those people...and kicking the bride... Son: Hurry, Sir Launcelot! King: Don't worry about a thing, sir. Just come downstairs with me, will you? I want to introduce you to everyone. Launcelot: Well, thank you....Thank you very much... King: I won't be a minute, Sir Launcelot.... Son: (from outside) Are you coming, Sir Launcelot? Aaaaaaaahhhhhhh!!!!! (thump) King: (liltingly) Coming, Sir Launcelot... Sir Launcelot goes down the stairs. Upon recognizing him as the one who caused all the damage, the remaining guests shout such things as, "There he is!" and, "He's the one!" and, "Get him!" Launcelot draws his sword and goes beserk again. King: Oh, bloody hell. Launcelot is at last subdued before causing too much damage, save only kicking the bride again, and the King prepares to make a speech. King: Ladies and gentlemen. This man whom you see beside me is my own honored friend, Sir Launcelot of Camelot. He has come all this way just to see my son married to Princess Lucky. Unfortunately, my son Herbert has just fallen to his death from the Tall Tower. (gasps) But, I like to think of myself, not as having lost a son, but as having gained a daughter. For, since the father of the bride perished in most untimely circumstances.... Voice: He's not quite dead yet.... King: (thrown) Er...since her father has come so close to death as to be considered dead... Voice: I think he's coming 'round! King: Since her father, who, when it seemed he was just on the verge of recovery, suddenly felt the icy hand of death upon him... (thump) Voice: He's kicked off! King: Right...I should like the Princess to think of me as her own Dad. In the firm and legally binding sense. And, as this is meant to be a wedding day, I would like to welcome Sir Launcelot into my family, and give him the hand of my new daughter in earnest token of my esteem for him and his title. Launcelot: Well, really, I must be going, I don't think-- King: Going? Nonsense! Why, how could you leave me at a time like this, so recently bereft of my only son? Concorde: He's not quite dead yet! (general reaction) King: Oh, bloody hell. Voice: But, how on earth did you survive the fall from the Tall Tower? Son: Well, I'll tell you... King: No! Wait! Stop that! Guests: He's going to tell, he's going to tell, he's going to tell, he's going to tell! He's going to tell, he's going to tell, he's going to tell, he's going to tell! Concorde: Quick, sir, let's get out of here. This way. Launcelot: No, no. I need something more...more... Concorde: Dramatic, sir? Launcelot: Dramatic! Right! This bell pull will do... Launcelot: Err...could someone give me a push?